my vag is so smooth its legendary
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
