And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize