Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
