you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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