So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
