News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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