How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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