eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
