Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
