Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
