I think my vagina is haunted
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
