I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
