My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
