I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
