Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
