Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
