at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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