I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
