I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
