The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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