getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
