4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
