god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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