Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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