Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think my vagina is haunted
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
