Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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