This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
