I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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