the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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