All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
