did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
