why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
