If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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