i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
