Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
