So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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