i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
