Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
