i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
