Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
