Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
