i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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