Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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