i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
