I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
