did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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