I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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