I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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