Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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