Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
