Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
