The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
